It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

My wonderful younger brother, Kyle, is currently serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Nicaragua. Every Monday we get to email him and this week was no different. I also spoke in church yesterday so I emailed him my talk. He requested that I share it on my blog as well. It is a personal expression of my love and understanding of the great sacrifice Jesus Christ made for us and how I am choosing to remember this Christmas season.

Me, Carson, Kyle. Candid photo, believe it or not!

Riker and I were approached several weeks ago and asked to speak. We knew it was coming—we’d been warned when we first moved in. We managed to lie low for almost 3 months. I have to say, though, that I was realllly excited about speaking during December. It is my favorite time of the year. In fact, Riker had to beg me to only listen to Christmas music when he wasn't around. I am indeed one of “those” people. I started listening as soon as Halloween was over. When I was little, I can say that my excitement came from the thought of Santa arriving, presents under the tree, the fireplace, hot cocoa, and especially the songs. Clearly, I still love the songs and I love Santa’s yearly appearance but as the years have continued on, my appreciation now stems from the birth of our Savior.  Around this time of year, we hopefully tend to think about other people. What kinds of gifts they would love, what they would use, what they need. We were asked to speak about gifts—the gifts that we have received from our Savior Jesus Christ.

Naturally, things came popping into my mind. Resurrection, two that Elder Christofferson spoke about last week in Saturday’s Stake Conference meeting faith and repentance, his Crucifixion, and of course, the Atonement.

As I debated which one to focus my main talk on, I shied away from the Atonement. I felt as though that is a talk that is given every other week; however, my mind continued to come back to it. I was reminded of my own personal experiences of how I came to a testimony of the Atonement and felt I should share one of them.

Just under two years ago, I had the special privilege of attending a meeting with one of the General Authorities.  It was at BYU and except for me and one or two others, of the 25 people or so, we were the only members of the church. I was called as a ward missionary and as several people living in our ward boundaries were not members, my Bishop asked if I would like to attend. It would be a question and answer forum. I was ecstatic. I was waiting on my mission call and wanted to hear an apostle of the Lord personally teach a room full of non-members. As we arrived, each of us were handed a piece of paper and we were requested to write down a question we had that would be answered. I’m a little ashamed that I can’t remember the name of the Brother with who we were meeting, but I distinctly remember the feeling in that room as one by one he addressed the questions of everyone. At first, I wasn't going to write a question down. I felt as though this was the other’s opportunity. However, as I listened, a long time question that I had always had, came to mind. I was hesitant to write it down. And yet, I did anyway feeling a little embarrassed to have been raised in the church and still asking this question. Our names weren't on the papers so I figured I would be ok. When my question came, he studied it for a few moments before reading it aloud and answering.

I had asked, in one form or another, “I understand that Jesus is our Savior, He died and suffered for us, and we can repent and be forgiven but how does the Atonement truly work? I don’t really get that.”

His answer, at first, disappointed me. He replied, “I can see that whoever wrote this question has really pondered this for a while. I don’t want to discourage you, but I don’t know. I don’t know exactly how it works. That is something that each of us must figure out on our own. I only know that it does work.”

Well, that was just great. Everyone else had had concrete answers and I was told to “figure it out on my own”.  A few short months later, I would. I had my mission call and went through a personal roller coaster of whether or not I would serve. My older brother, have had my differences with, called me after I texted to tell him I decided I wasn't going to go. He drove a couple hours to come see me for about 30 minutes and told me something I will never forget. It helped the ball get rolling for me.

“Chelsea, Heavenly Father loves you and will be happy no matter the decision you make. One thing I can tell you for sure is that you will receive blessings no matter which path you go down. If you decide to stay and then get married, you’ll be blessed. If you decide to serve, you will be blessed. And the other thing I can tell you for sure is that the blessings will not be the same. When you return, there always the possibility that you will get married and receive those blessings. However, the chance to serve the Lord and meet some amazing people, those blessings are now. The Lord will love you no matter the decision, but make a decision.”

And I did. I decided to serve. Exactly one week before I was to report to the MTC, I got a call from my doctor telling me that I did, in fact, have mono. It had been active in my system for quite some time and they hoped that only a 6 week delay would suffice.

The day was finally here and yet I felt like it was any other day. I was certain that since it had been such a complicated road to get there that yet again, something would stand in my way. The moment we pulled up to the curb, I saw a friend from home standing there to greet me. I almost didn't say goodbye to my parents because I was so excited. I know that it actually wasn't  but I feel as though that is the day I started to understand the Atonement. Even though I had been medically cleared, I was sick from the day I entered to the day I left. It was a hard time; however, there were so many wonderful people with me that I felt right at home. I was with my brothers and sisters and I knew many of them from life outside the MTC. As the weeks progressed, my Spanish didn't exactly progress, but my sickness did. I believe I had a blessing at least once a week. I felt little comfort come from those blessings because I felt so sick; especially as the weeks continued and I wasn't getting better as promised. My companion and I started missing classes because I wasn't able to get out of bed. I went to the doctor for about the 3^rd or 4^th time in a 2 week period and discussion started about sending me home. They weren't sure what was wrong but I certainly couldn't maintain the missionary schedule. It was far too rigorous. They tried several medicines and when none worked, the final decision was made to send me home. 

The days leading up to that were among some of the most spiritual and memorable moments in my life. You know you have truly hit rock bottom when you are kneeling in a one person bathroom where if you stretch your arms out you can touch both walls and you are sobbing and praying that Heavenly Father help you in some way. It was in those MANY moments kneeling on a bathroom floor that I truly learned what the Atonement was. Other experiences in my life would try to steal the spotlight from these moments, but even with how powerful the other experiences were, nothing could compare to the Spirit that testified to me in an old bathroom at the MTC.

I knew I wasn't alone. Despite how small this bathroom was, I know that my Savior was kneeling beside me whispering words of comfort. Some experiences are too sacred to share, however I will tell you that I gave the time I had for my mission everything that my body and soul possessed and Jesus the Christ my Savior and Redeemer gave me all that He had. I returned home after 9 weeks in the MTC. I have never cried so much as I did the nights leading up to my leaving. I knew, before they told me the night before I was to fly out, that I was going home. Not only was I going back, but I wouldn't be returning. The doctors had told me 3 months and I’d be golden, however, my moments alone told me my mission was at the close.

Through my darkest days of pain and exhaustion, I suddenly knew that I was never alone. That Christ knew exactly what it was to go through what I was experiencing. He held my hand. I feel as though this quote sums it up, “Jesus would provide a way for us to be resurrected and, by His shouldering our punishment and guilt, a way to be cleansed. However, those would not be the end of His gifts. He also took upon Himself our infirmities and sorrows. He provided a way for us to be consoled through every trial. He suffered alone so that we would never have to do the same. Through His Atonement all of us can be covered, helped, comforted, and ultimately embraced.” (pg 47, The Continuous Atonement)

I indeed was covered, helped, comforted, and ultimately embraced. The love that abounds in my life is a direct result of coming to know the Savior. I can’t claim that I know how it works, but like that apostle said, I just know it does. I also know that each of us can and will figure it out.

In many ways, I can’t believe the Lord would bless me in the ways he has. I have made more than my fair share of mistakes. I've said and done things unbefitting of who I should be. And yet, the greatest gift that Christ could give us is not just the statement to “come unto me”, but to “come as you are”. The Atonement is not only for people who feel “worthy”. I might venture to say that it is especially for those who don’t feel worthy. We have been sent here to experience life; to experience the deepest pains imaginable. This may be confusing; however, it isn't that we are sent here to experience those pains alone. We are sent here to remember who we are and to learn how the Atonement works. 

My mother gave me an amazing book entitled, “Believing Christ” by Stephen E. Robinson that also sheds light onto the Atonement. The final chapter of the book is entitled “Lord, How Is It Done?” It first speaks of understanding the divinity of Christ. He was and is the Lord God Almighty. This is a critical point in understanding the Atonement. Robinson says, “Occasionally some critics have suggested that Christianity is just another religion of human sacrifice. There might be something to the claim if Jesus Christ were not God, if he were only another human being. After all, if the Atonement is merely a case of God demanding the blood of a human victim in order to reconciled to humanity and forgive us, how is this any different in principle from grabbing some poor virgin and throwing her into a volcano to save a village, or from burning children on an altar to Moloch to win his good favor?...the Sacrificial Lamb of God who died on Calvary was God.”

Along those same lines, Jesus was genuinely human. He experienced the same tug of temptation we do; he just instantly rejected them. He never succumbed to entertaining thoughts of sin nor participating in it. D&C 20:22 says, “He suffered temptations but gave no heed unto them.” We know that he must have been tempted, not only through scriptures, but through the mere fact that he had to have for the atonement to work. Once again, taking from Robinson, he says, “It doesn't matter how patiently a bird might show me how to fly, or a fish might show me how to breathe underwater. I don’t have wings, and I don’t have gills. These cannot teach me by example because we are not the same kind of being.”

The most important piece of understanding, that strikes a chord in my heart, is that while Christ did not in fact ever succumb to the enticings of the evil spirit, he did in fact experience every pain, sorrow, guilt, and sin. He didn't experience his own, but he knew in order to succor us as the scriptures say, he had to know what it felt like. He gave us the greatest gift that any being could ever give. He is the ONLY person that knows what it feels like to be us and on top of that, he is the only person to know what it is like to be completely and utterly alone. Because of the great sins and misdeeds of this infinite atonement, just as we are not able to have the Spirit when we are not worthy, so did the Spirit withdraw from Jesus.

I take great comfort in knowing this. That may sound strange and I feel great sorrow that He had to suffer alone, but I feel at peace knowing that He did that for me. He chose to walk that dreary and lonely path by himself so that you and I wouldn't have to do the same. The Christmas season is a wonderful time to celebrate the birth of our Redeemer. It is also a chance for us to truly put the focus on the wonderful gifts and blessings we have been given here in the mortal realm. As we remember His birth, I pray that we each may remember the gifts that have come as a result of that Holy Night.

In the name of my Savior, Redeemer, and Eternal Friend Jesus Christ, Amen.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope we each remember the beautiful even we are celebrating.