Thursday, January 24, 2013

Spouses should come with warning labels.

And I'm not talking about my loving husband. At least not so far in this marriage... I am speaking about me for the sake of Riker. Last night, we experienced something new. After 4 and a half months of marriage, Riker has developed...defense mechanisms. 

It started on our honeymoon. (Hold on, hold on! Stay with me, it's not what you think) I woke up and Riker was just looking at me; staring. 

"What?" I groaned in my manly-I-just-woke-up-so-I-sound-like-a-caveman voice. 

"You don't remember?"

"Huh?" I was still struggling to open my eyes all the way and I had no clue where my glasses were so forget about seeing any detail on his face. 

"You....suck at sleeping. You talk and move and hit and punch and get up all the time."

"Oh, right. I never shared a bed with anyone so I guess I didn't know."

"Well, someone should have warned me."

Welcome to marriage, folks! We laughed the first couple of days to me "waking up" in the dead of night and saying "Did you hear that? Someone is out there! Go check!" and him rolling over and ignoring me because there wasn't a sound and me getting out of bed and wandering out of the hotel room to "go check" in the dead of night in the middle of a city. We laughed when I would talk and say completely crazy things about unicorns and needing to get things done. We soon turned I laugh when he wakes up and complains about my elbowing him in the middle of the night because he knows I'm asleep and decides to mouth off to me or when I'm convinced there is a giant raccoon on our back porch and he needs to scare it off. Riker no longer laughs. 

I continually tell him, "We've only been married for ___ months! I've been sleeping for 22 years. You can't expect me to change overnight." And he can't. But I do feel bad. On our honeymoon it was all king size beds and pure blissful comfort and room. We now share a full size bed... To him, it feels much smaller. 

It is a well-known fact that I am always always ALWAYS cold. I don't know why or how, but I am. Thus, we have our sheets, a heating blanket, a down comforter, a thick denim quilt, and two double fleece blankets on our bed. Still, I will wake up and be cold. When I say wake up you should interpret that extremely loosely. I will say I'm awake and in fact have no recollection the next morning. I am a blanket hog. 

I feel as though there should be a group of us like AA. 

"Hi, my name is Chelsea and I'm a blanket hog. I last hogged the blankets last night and I'm here hoping for support in learning to share."

I like to take the blankets and secure them around me. There are to be no areas in which I might feel cold air; the blankets must be touching me on every inch of my body. As you can guess, this is miserable for Riker. Last night, I was absolutely freezing. Freezing enough to wake up and be aware of my surroundings. And my surroundings included Riker clinging to the blankets like a life vest. He had pulled them all off of me and was sleeping nice and warm and comfortable. I gently reached over, grasped the edge of the blanket and pulled. 

The blankets slid towards me for about a half of a second and then Riker went into "Survival Mode". His arms clamped down on the blankets and he turned to the fetal position, stealing what covers I had.

At first I was irritated; it was 3 am and I was freezing. And then, I couldn't help but laugh. The poor man had developed much needed defense mechanisms for sleeping with his wife. After messing with him nicely trying to share with him, I gave up and slept with my small corner in hopes that he would be less tired in the morning. 

I keep picturing his determined little face shining with pure defiance and it makes me love him so much more. 

Spouses should come with warning labels. Several of my many would read, 

May Cause Drowsiness
Do NOT Refrigerate 
And then one I couldn't find a picture of:

"Touch My Blanket and I Will Cut You."