Hollaback Girl, I ain't.

I have a bit of pent up...anger, if you will, that I will share today. I don't like to gripe and complain (on the internet) about my life and job and such but today I am making an exception. 

I currently HATE my job. 

I work in the Engineering Department and there is nothing wrong with the department....necessarily.

Except I feel like this:

http://fyeahfriendsgifs.tumblr.com/post/12975746175/joey-starring-in-freud

(I use a lot of Friends references)

Whatever do I mean? I mean I feel like the lady lying on the couch and everyone telling me that I'm unhappy because I wanta dinkle. You see I work in a department of ALL guys and I work in a basement by myself all day erry day. My interactions with humans face to face is limited to 99% of the time just these... "men". 

And then something happens to change that all. 

It happened one day while I was sitting at my desk...working...or something. Anyway, one of the guys comes in and needs help with something AGAIN. I have shown him no less than 50 times in the past two weeks, and that is no exaggeration! I try to breathe calmly so I don't lose my temper and our conversation goes like this:

Me: Ok, well show me what work orders it is and I'll pull them up on my computer and see what's up.

Him (edging closer and closer): Ok, #3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,..........20, 21

[that was slightly exaggerating: it is usually only about 5. A day.]

Me: Ok, I don't see anything wrong with them. What is it showing on your iPod?

Him (suddenly breathing down my neck): Well, look! I can't find them. And I swear I didn't do anything to them. They should be here. See look I have a list with the numbers that should be here. Look. 

Me: Yeah, I see it (straining my eyes to see it from 3 inches in front of my nose) I also am showing that there is nothing wrong with any of them on the computer. Try to hotsync it again and maybe they'll show. 

Him: Well, there is something wrong! They aren't here! LOOK.

Me: Yeah, I looked, I'm sorry they aren't there. Try to hotsync again and maybe then they'll show. 

Him: Well, this stupid thing is just broken. 

Me: Ok, I'm sorry I can't come up with any other solutions so maybe if you just can hotsync again and then we can see. You do have over a hundred work orders on there so it might just have gotten lost in the mix.

Him: (Gives me a dirty look and says, "Hey! Can you help me?" to our boss as he walks in)

Me: (in my head) Awesome now I look incompetent. 

Our Boss: Well, maybe try hotsyncing and it might work. 

Him: Ok, I'll give that a try. Hopefully it works. I asked Chelsea and she said she didn't know. 

My face was probably purple at this point but I swallowed my pride and didn't say anything. Until...

The next day:

The scene--I'm at my desk and ANOTHER employee walks in.

Him: Hey, Boss not in? 

Me: No, not yet, sorry. Can I help you?

Him: Oh, nah. (Starts to walk off and pauses) So, uh, I heard you had a talk with So and So yesterday....He told me and the guys about it.

[remember the AND THE GUYS part]

Me: I did? Oh, well he had some work order problems but I couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. 

Him: He said you accused him of not doing his work and attacked him for the number of work orders he had. 

[klajsdofinadlgauogtinasdlfiualfdkgnads HUH?]

Him: Anyway, I was just thinking that you could, I don't know, maybe be a little nicer to him and tell him what a good job he does so he doesn't feel so down. 

This is what happened next:

Maybe I sound like a baby when I say this, but after TWO FREAKING DAYS of guys (all OVER the age of 40) coming to tell me that all these other guys were complaining and trash talking me I finally went to my Boss. 

And now, I sit in my office all day alone. And never see anyone. Which I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing. 

What is not good is that I'm "On Probation" because I've had to miss on average 2 days a pay period because of fibro flare days....

But let it be known. I ain't no hollaback girl! And if I weren't on probation I probably would have had some choice words with my 12 year old girl coworkers. 

An embarrassing story

Yesterday was Riker's birthday and I can't resist talking about him. And especially can't resist telling something embarrassing.

When we were dating we would go on drives a lot to go hiking or to lakes or anywhere that wasn't the city to keep our sanity. One night it was rather late and of course I was riding in the middle seat of his pick-up right next to him. We were dating so I'm sure you can assume that we were kissing and giggling and being in love. This is what happened:

Me: Riker (giggle) stop! Pay attention the road!

Riker: (Also giggling but in a manly way of course) What? I just love you! And I'm good at driving and I'm going under the speed limit. C'mon! Let me kiss you!

Me: (giggle giggle giggle) Ok, fine!

Suddenly...yep, red and blue flashing lights.

Me: Oh my gosh! I told you to watch the road!

The officer then slowly approached the truck.

Officer: Excuse me, son, do you know why I pulled you over? (simultaneously blinding us with his flashlight)

Riker: Uh, well....Was I weaving a little?

Officer: Yeah...kind of all over. I will need your license and registration.

Riker: Chels, can you get it out of the glove box?

Me: Sure (as I open the glove box a big fat hunting knife awkwardly falls out and I masterfully hide it under some papers)

Meanwhile, Riker is showing him his license and we are both pretty convinced that the only reason he didn't ask Riker to get out and take a sobriety test (we were both still giggling in love...) was because we are in Utah and he saw Riker's temple recommend that he so conveniently flashed to the officer.


We got off with a verbal warning but I still like to mention it. A lot. And now everyone else who knows him can also mention it. ;)

The whole reason behind this story is because I found this song today and laughed the whole time. Enjoy!

Hopefully it worked! (if not, it's Easton Corbin singing All Over the Road) And it is really just for the lyrics.

A look back: Why Boys Suck

This is a post I had on my old blog that I was looking at today. What's great about this post is that it was written a few days before I met the man I married. I added one last one because I had a date the night before my first date with Riker that was at the top of my horrible list. It sure has been horrifyingly fun to look back at what my life was like before I finally found my Knight in shining armor. 

"Yes, I am still alive. It's been quite sometime but I'm still here. And I'm about to do something I did not think I ever would for fear that people mentioned may find and read this. However, said people aren't really important in my life so I'm doing it anyway.

This is a post to almost all the boys I've dated and the stupid stuff they've done to me. I hope you can laugh about them like I have and if you happen to be one of the offenders...I'm not looking for an apology and I'm definitely not hung up on you [and I hope you've grown from the experience and if not can learn a little something today!]

STUPID THINGS BOYS SHOULD NEVER DO [the following are all true experiences with the least amount of exaggeration added and definitely not in chronological order.]

1. Don't buy me an ID bracelet. I know my name. Just a cute piece of jewelry without my name on it is fine.

2. Don't ask me on a date to a fancy restaurant, break your arm the day before, make me cut up all your food for you PLUS carry your dessert from the buffet and then ask me to pay.

3. Don't be talking to me, bring up something personal, and then say, "Oh actually my girlfriend is here right now and I don't feel comfortable talking about it right now. Want to come over around 11 or so tonight?"

4. Don't blow a raspberry on my neck. Or try to on my stomach. Or my foot. I AM NOT 3.

5. Don't tell my friends that while you don't believe I will be good at something you still think I need to do it because I need to learn to be an adult and grow up. You tried to blow a raspberry on my stomach!

6. Don't tell me that you've received revelation that I need to go on a mission. (MORE THAN ONE BOY!)

7. Don't date me off and on for several months and then show up to church with your girlfriend and make ME sit next to her and answer the awkward question of, "so how do you know these guys?"

8. Don't ask me for help filling out scholarships and reading your poorly written essays, kiss me, tell me I'm wonderful and then inform me that you'd ask your girlfriend (now wife) but she isn't exactly the smartest.

9. Don't take me on a date and tell me beforehand that the last girl you took here was in better shape than me and you aren't sure if I'll be able to make it all the way.

10. Don't hint at getting my number repeatedly, steal my phone and put it in with any of the synonyms for "Stud" or "Hunk" and then introduce me to your fiance later that evening.

11. Don't take me to a family get together, insist I be in the family photo for the blog and then grab my butt as the picture is being taken.

12. Don't date me off and on for several months and then later inform me that you, "Never actually had any feelings" for me.

13. Don't call me a B***h and then say you only call me that because you love me.

14. Don't get gum stuck in my hair while we're watching a movie and then not tell me! Do you know how hard it was to get out!?

15. Don't take me to "the most redneck restaurant I could find" because I wear cowboy boots and grew up in a small town.

16. Don't squeeze my side and say, "Vending machines?"

17. Don't tell me I've been having trouble getting dates because, "Well, it's hard to get dates when you aren't pretty. I'm sure you can find something else to try and make up for it. Maybe you should wear lower cut shirts."

18. Don't ask if I lost all the weight out of my boobs when you haven't seen me in a while and I'm skinnier.

19. Don't dump me and in the same minute ask me where I'd like to be married.

20. Don't text me the day after you've told me that you never had feelings for me and ask how I am and other questions about my personal life. Once you've told someone you not only don't have feelings for them but NEVER did, you aren't privy to their personal life.

There are so many more but I'm tired of reliving my horrific dating life. Does anyone else have anything horrible a guy said or did to you? Please share so I don't feel like I'm the only "Tool Magnet!"

Love, Chelsea"

 And the final date I went on before I never had to go on a date with another boy besides Riker:

21. Don't take me out on a date that lasts from 6 pm to 1 am where you proceed to tell me about how your "mommy is rooting for us to hookup", try to climb in my lap while we are watching a movie in the theater (which I can't watch to this day because it reminds me of this date!), tell me how you just "really really want to get some" because it's been "more than a year since my last date" and even longer since you last made out with anyone. (But hey! Congrats on getting married, Big Guy. Hope you are "getting some" now from your poor wife.)

Needless to say I went home in tears of disgust and frustration over that one. 

I have to say that I am so lucky to be married to the man I am married to. He definitely gets a gold star. 

New Year's Resolutions & Some REALLY big news.

Yes, you read that correctly. No, this is not a follow-up to any actual New Year's resolutions. In fact, I welcomed in this New Year by being asleep before 10.... I'm old and married now--it's totally allowed.

In fact, I am one year older as of today! I have lived out 23 years and am officially starting the 24th year of my life today. Which means I have some looking at my life to do and reorganizing things I dislike and improving things that are kind of there but need some working on! I hope y'all (as in mom, since you are probably one of the only people to read this) will help keep me accountable!

First things first, our big announcement. If I asked for guesses I can guarantee you would each say I'm pregnant BUUUUTTTT I'm not. Sorry to disappoint! We will be moving in July (if all goes according to plan!) to....

NORTH DAKOTA.

Wait, what? Yeah, you read that right. No April Foolin' here. I'm actually quite excited. I mean... look at this place!

The Oil field is booming so much! Those lights you see? All from the oil field at night!

Alright, so it's not most people's paradise, but I'll be there with my best friend and sexiest man I know and we'll be having a wonderful adventure!

Which means that most of my goals will be centered around this move. Currently we live in a BEAUTIFUL wonderful community. We teach a primary class (5&6 year olds) in our ward and the love that they have shown us has been truly inspiring and we feel beyond blessed. This community has welcomed us, trusted us with their children, and have been exactly the type of people that we want to be. Finally getting around to the actual goal: To be involved in our new community--get to know new people and embrace where we are.

I've decided right now to approach this move just like this man. The look of joy as he looks at his livelihood. The implications this move will have on our family are beyond comprehension. 

Another amazing thing about moving to North Dakota? This girl.

Graduation day 2008! This is the most updated
(and most flattering; think middle school dances of the others...)
picture of us.

I've known this wonderful woman since we were 9! And now, we are both grown up, have long hair,  married AND living (or will be living) in the same town in North Dakota. It's a LOOONNNNGGG way to come from a small middle of nowhere town in Oregon to a small middle of nowhere town in North Dakota but we couldn't be happier. On my list of resolutions: An updated photo with her and LOTS of girly time. Love you, Ibeth!

I was going to add a lot more goals but then I found the next picture and just stopped right there. Life is amazing. And naturally (just like every year) this one will be the best yet.

Crossing my fingers.

That's what I've been doing a lot lately. Riker and I talk a LOT about what the future holds for us. We have plans and we have goals to laid out to make those plans reality. Sometimes though...I am impatient. I mean, why can't I have a puppy right now, be able to work from home, and have a calf in my kitchen?

Allow me to elaborate. For those that have known me for quite some time, you will know that one of my heroes is The Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond. I have always wanted her life. Now that I have my own Marlboro Man, that seems like a dream is coming true! I am a strict follower of her blog and wish to channel her in my day to day life. No, I'm not joking. She is fabulous. And despite my avid....uh,obsession... I have yet to win anything from her. Which is sad to me but then I see pictures and read stories like this one and my heart melts and I feel better.

For those who have no clue about anything to do with ranching, lots and lots of calves were born the last month or so! Which means that every day on our way to work and on our way home, there are calves EVERYWHERE. I. LOVE. THEM. It is beyond my ability with words to be able to explain my love for them. They are darling. Going back to Pioneer Woman's story, I beg Riker every. single. freaking. day. to let me steal a calf and let it live with us. His answer is always no. Whatever. He insists that some day I will have more than my fair share of calves traipsing through my house when they can't make it on their own. And then he remembers I have no patience and rolls his eyes when I give him my best pathetic work. (Which apparently sucks and I need to get a new one.)

Since we can't get a puppy yet and he's morally opposed to stealing for his wife (psh. some husband.) I dragged him on a walk to take pictures of the calves. Because I can and because it was the first time I'd been able to convince him that I needed to see them up close and personal and smell the manure. Which probably disgusts a lot of you but you can deal with it!

Check out these cuties!

Babies!

My Favorite Man.

My Favorite Baby. Look at that pink nose!!! I can't help but make baby talk noises every time I even think about him.

He's shy.

I love their noses. I can't help it! I'm Chelsea. I'm disgusting! (Who can name what show that  is off of?)

This baby wouldn't get his face out from behind that dang piece of grass. Every time I moved, he moved. Turd. But a cute turd. 

Momma and baby! Look at those adorable noses. 

Those eyelashes. I've died. 

This momma did NOT like me near the babies. She may have ran at me. 

Best. Friends.

Well, there you have it. Now you know my sick obsession. But you can't help but want to just love them. I didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted out taking pictures because it turns out we came right before feeding time and the cows were pretty insistent we needed to feed them. Riker was embarrassed that they were crowding the fence and making so much noise. Or maybe it was because I was mooing back. Either way we went home.

A Little Look See

As of last Friday, Riker has been stuck married to me for 6 whole months! Here are a few short examples of what our marriage is like:

Scene One: The Haggard's living room. Riker is sitting on the couch as I walk back from the bathroom and sit down.

Me: The toilet is running again. I can hear it. 

Riker: Yeah, you were the last one to use it. That always happens when you use it. You were literally just in there.

Me: yeah....

(15 minutes later Riker gets up to get a glass of water)

Me: Oh, good, while you're up will you jiggle the handle of the toilet? It's driving me nuts.

Riker: [shakes his head and walks off]

Me: Thanks, babe! I love you!

Scene Two: Both Riker and I are walking in the door after work. I walk to the back room while Riker takes his shoes off

Riker: Hey, hon, is this your jacket? The one sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor...
Me: Yeah, I just took it off. 
Riker: Ok.... [he continues from the kitchen towards the living room] and I'm guessing these are your shoes and socks?
Me: [in the bathroom] Yep. [Tosses her pants out the door]
Riker: And there are your pants...I will never lose you because you leave a trail of clothes no matter where you go. We really should try to work on that. 
Two Days Later: Repeat scene

Riker: Hey, hon, is this your jacket? The one sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor...
Me: Yeah, I just took it off. 
Riker: Ok.... [he continues from the kitchen towards the living room] and I'm guessing these are your shoes and...hey you put your socks in the dirty clothes basket! Good job, sweetie!
Me: Gold Star for Me!

Scene Three: It's the weekend and Riker and I decide we need to clean the house really well.
Riker: So, I'll do the kitchen if you do the bathroom and living room.
Chelsea: No problemo! 
[Riker ROCKS at cleaning! Seriously, he cleaned the oven and mopped and did dishes and was just awesome. And naturally finished before me because I got distracted by the fact that I put in my yoga dvd and decided to do that instead.]
(20 minutes later when I am actually in the bathroom scrubbing the sink and then moving to the toilet)
Riker talking as he walks down the hall: Hey Chels, how's it going in there? I just finished the.... Is that MY TOOTHBRUSH YOU ARE USING TO SCRUB THE SINK AND TOILET?!
Me: Um....well it is A toothbrush. What color is yours? I just grabbed one and started using it. 
Riker: That was my favorite toothbrush! 
Me: Oh. Sorry! Here's a new one. I found it in the cupboard... (then I smiled winningly and he shook his head and walked off)

Scene Four: It's 8 pm and I'm exhausted and sick so I decide to go to bed. I have turned on my amazing humidifier my mom got me for Christmas and am just relaxing. Riker is watching TV while I drift off to sleep. A short time later I hear the TV shut off and Riker walking to our bed.

Lots of creaking of floor boards and stumbling over blankets and then a scream. 

Riker: What!? WHAT!? What happened!
Me: (still mostly asleep and now covered in something wet and smelling of peppermint oil) Well, ugh, that, you. UGH.
Riker: Oh. Sorry! I didn't know your humidifier was plugged in to this thingy. I didn't know why it was up over here so I pulled on it to plug in my phone! Are you ok?
Me: Ugh. Well. Ugh. 
Riker: Here, trade me sides of the bed, I'll sleep where it's wet!
Me: Ugh. No. I'm trying to sleep. Go to bed. Ugh.



Happy Marriage to us! We love our life and all the ridiculousness it entails. To celebrate we went and watched a movie. We are exciting, it's true. 

LOVE, 

The Haggards

Spouses should come with warning labels.

And I'm not talking about my loving husband. At least not so far in this marriage... I am speaking about me for the sake of Riker. Last night, we experienced something new. After 4 and a half months of marriage, Riker has developed...defense mechanisms. 

It started on our honeymoon. (Hold on, hold on! Stay with me, it's not what you think) I woke up and Riker was just looking at me; staring. 

"What?" I groaned in my manly-I-just-woke-up-so-I-sound-like-a-caveman voice. 

"You don't remember?"

"Huh?" I was still struggling to open my eyes all the way and I had no clue where my glasses were so forget about seeing any detail on his face. 

"You....suck at sleeping. You talk and move and hit and punch and get up all the time."

"Oh, right. I never shared a bed with anyone so I guess I didn't know."

"Well, someone should have warned me."

Welcome to marriage, folks! We laughed the first couple of days to me "waking up" in the dead of night and saying "Did you hear that? Someone is out there! Go check!" and him rolling over and ignoring me because there wasn't a sound and me getting out of bed and wandering out of the hotel room to "go check" in the dead of night in the middle of a city. We laughed when I would talk and say completely crazy things about unicorns and needing to get things done. We soon turned into...me. I laugh when he wakes up and complains about my elbowing him in the middle of the night because he knows I'm asleep and decides to mouth off to me or when I'm convinced there is a giant raccoon on our back porch and he needs to scare it off. Riker no longer laughs. 

I continually tell him, "We've only been married for ___ months! I've been sleeping for 22 years. You can't expect me to change overnight." And he can't. But I do feel bad. On our honeymoon it was all king size beds and pure blissful comfort and room. We now share a full size bed... To him, it feels much smaller. 

It is a well-known fact that I am always always ALWAYS cold. I don't know why or how, but I am. Thus, we have our sheets, a heating blanket, a down comforter, a thick denim quilt, and two double fleece blankets on our bed. Still, I will wake up and be cold. When I say wake up you should interpret that extremely loosely. I will say I'm awake and in fact have no recollection the next morning. I am a blanket hog. 

I feel as though there should be a group of us like AA. 

"Hi, my name is Chelsea and I'm a blanket hog. I last hogged the blankets last night and I'm here hoping for support in learning to share."

I like to take the blankets and secure them around me. There are to be no areas in which I might feel cold air; the blankets must be touching me on every inch of my body. As you can guess, this is miserable for Riker. Last night, I was absolutely freezing. Freezing enough to wake up and be aware of my surroundings. And my surroundings included Riker clinging to the blankets like a life vest. He had pulled them all off of me and was sleeping nice and warm and comfortable. I gently reached over, grasped the edge of the blanket and pulled. 

The blankets slid towards me for about a half of a second and then Riker went into "Survival Mode". His arms clamped down on the blankets and he turned to the fetal position, stealing what covers I had.

At first I was irritated; it was 3 am and I was freezing. And then, I couldn't help but laugh. The poor man had developed much needed defense mechanisms for sleeping with his wife. After messing with him nicely trying to share with him, I gave up and slept with my small corner in hopes that he would be less tired in the morning. 

I keep picturing his determined little face shining with pure defiance and it makes me love him so much more. 

Spouses should come with warning labels. Several of my many would read, 

May Cause Drowsiness

Do NOT Refrigerate 

And then one I couldn't find a picture of:

"Touch My Blanket and I Will Cut You."